So I have this problem...

I can't quite believe it but my little girl has just celebrated her first half birthday, reaching the six month milestone. It is with very mixed emotions that I reflect on this occasion. The past six months have simply flown by. Six months of pregnancy seemed to drag on for an age but six months of a little life seem to have slipped through my fingers. We have come so far since those first few days. Tasks like changing a nappy, getting her dressed, bathing and settling her were once foreign concepts and yet are now second nature. In that time, she's developed from this tiny little thing with lots of hair into a strong, cheerful little girl who loves smiling at everyone, with not so much hair. Sometimes I wish I could just hit stop and savor it all.

However six months also means that I have to contemplate the dreaded task of heading back to work. I know I am not alone in this as lots of mums find themselves in similar positions. This makes it a little easier, but not much. As a teacher, I work on school terms. Initially I had considered heading back at the start of the year but in hindsight, I am incredibly grateful that things didn't work out. I managed to put it off until the start of Term 2. Unfortunately that is fast approaching. I really don't want to go back. I am so grateful for the time I have been able to spend at home with my little girl. I am grateful for the maternity leave provided by the government. I could go into a big rant about how I would like to see more support in place to enable a parent to stay home because I believe it is a huge investment in the future of our children...but I won't.

So here I am, contemplating heading back to work. Only part time time though thank goodness, one or two days would be enough. So far, nothing has panned out though so it's easy to talk about, but not so easy to make happen. I am not complaining too much. It would be great if I could just keep talking about it and pretend I'm really doing a lot to make it happen. Perhaps I could fool everyone and nothing would work out and I could stay at home...and some random relative I have never met could leave me an inheritance so I didn't have to go back. Sounds like a plan!

When I think about going back, when an opportunity actually arises that makes me have to confront the situation that I have so far avoided, I feel sick. Right down to my stomach. I just can't imagine anyone else looking after my little girl. And I can't make sense of the fact that I am leaving her to go back to work. I'm not career driven. As much as I love teaching, I am not itching to get back to it yet. I know everyone has different views on child care, careers etc., but for hubby and I, our priority is having one of us at home with her.  Going back to work for one or two days would simply be a way of enabling one of us to stay home with her for longer...but I just don't want to do it. I want to stay at home without having to work. I am not great at compromising!

So that is my current dilemma.

In the past week I have been challenged on my attitude. I love to complain about having to go back to work (as you may have noticed) but then I read a couple of articles about what some parents face in other parts of the world and I was reminded that things I find hard are nothing in comparison to what these parents face.

A human story from a devastated landscape introduced me to Alan and his family. Talk about hard work and determination, Alan meets all this and more. I am in awe of his determination and dedication to building a house for his family. He and his wife worked and worked and worked and didn't give up when it didn't happen quickly (as I would), and just when the end was in sight, they suffered the utter heart break of having it all destroyed in Cyclone Pam. I am sure that they will regather themselves and start again. I hope they receive a lot of help in the process. They had an amazing attitude to start with and I imagine that it will continue.

Then there is Nareen who I met in The forgotten Millions. Her baby, Rohit, is a similar age to my little girl, just a month younger, and yet she had to face the possibility that Rohit would die because they were stuck on a mountain in the middle of summer (which they had trekked four days to reach!), with no food and no water, surrounded by ISIS. Other babies did die. She was fortunate and her baby survived thanks to American airstrikes which enabled them to escape and the help of some doctors at the border.

I read these articles and wonder how people have the strength they do to keep surviving, and yet they do. Perhaps they do not take for granted everything I do? Perhaps they simply expect less than me?

Like I said, it puts my attitude into perspective. My problem is that I have to leave my daughter in the safe care of someone else so that I can go and earn some money, knowing I will be paid. How my priorities differ, because they can. I'm not saying that us in New Zealand, or anywhere in more well off countries, should be condemning ourselves for our lifestyles. That would be pointless and achieve very little. It is just good to appreciate what we have, what I have. To recognise that the things I, or others, find tough might be tough, but really they could be so much worse. To remember that there are a lot of people out there who are really struggling, and I mean really struggling, and do what we can help them.

I know I take for granted what we have in NZ. I get frustrated at the lack of support available to help parents stay at home and care for their littlies (as mentioned earlier), or the small amount of maternity leave available...and yes, in some ways these are valid issues  because we live in a society where we need to survive in our own surroundings and conditions, but at the same time, I should be incredibly grateful for the fact that if I run out of food, I can go and get a food package, if I am desperately lacking in funds, I can get help from the government, that I do get some paid maternity leave, that I have a clean and safe hospital (or other birthing places) to have my baby, that I have Plunket to check on the health of my baby and give me advice, that I have a solid roof over my head, clothes to wear, blankets to keep me warm. I have all this and more. I might not have everything I want but I really have so much more than I truly need.

So yes I face the problem of having to go back to work...and as much as I would love this problem to disappear I don't think it will...but at the end of the day, my little problem is a first world problem, not really that much of a hardship in the great scheme of things and really, I am thankful that this is the biggest problem I face currently.

Would love to hear your thoughts...or problems you are currently facing.

If you would like to help people like Alan and Nareen you can donate through many avenues but here are just a couple.

Cyclone Pam Appeal

The Forgotten Millions: the Children of Syria Crisis

I'm trying to escape a box...

As I sit down to write this, I hope I will make it to the end. I have started several posts lately, and as you may have noticed by my silence (or perhaps you haven't noticed and that's okay too) I have had little result. To be completely honest with you, I have been struggling.

Struggling to write.
Struggling to sew.
Struggling to get much of anything done really.

I have hit a low point and it really has nothing to do with being a mum at all. I thought I would write about it anyway as being a mum is only part of me. I think that there is a very real danger for mother's to lose their identity in their children. Many of us already struggle with the shift of identity when we we become mums, particularly if we choose to be a stay at home mother (an issue for another blog perhaps) but there is no sense in further complicating matters by losing ourselves altogether in motherhood. What I have to share today is quite different. It is simply about me.

Earlier this year I read something in my daily devotional which both challenged and inspired me.

‘First you crawled; then you learned to walk and the world grew bigger. Then you rode a bike…drove a car…bought a plane ticket. Suddenly the horizons were limitless. Then doubts crept in: I can’t (you fill in the blank)…and your world shrinks a little. I shouldn’t take that trip…I’ll never find my way around…I’ve too many responsibilities. And it shrinks a little more…[until] you’re sitting in a little box with the lid tightly affixed. No experiences, no lessons, no life. Boxes can be comfortable…but no matter how cosy you make it, it’s still a box. They come in all shapes and sizes. When we let unrealistic fears hold us back we can be fairly certain we’re climbing inside another box…and sooner or later we’ll run into the walls. Find one small “I can’t” in your life and take the lid off the box… try for a minor impossibility… apply for that dream job… start pursuing your vision… Poke the top off your box. Stick your head out and look around. Find a fear and turn it into a ladder. Get out of the box of doubt and insecurity and into the freedom of courage and belief.’ (Melody Beattie)

At that time I had been contemplating a couple of things - whether or not to start blogging and whether or not to start a small business. Several things were stopping me. What if no one read my blog? What if no one bought anything I made? What if I tried and failed? These were just a few of my fears. Fear of failure was a significant issue. However over the course of a few days, things like this quote encouraged and challenged me. What did I have to lose really? Yes it might all fail but I would never know if I didn't try.

So I set up my blog...which you are currently reading...and I began my small business Mubs.

I would be lying if I said that it had been easy. It hasn't. I have struggled with blogging. Some weeks I have been particularly passionate about something and the words have flowed. Other weeks, like this week, it has very much been a stop, start affair. As for my business, well it has been a slow start, which is to be expected, but at the same time does not provide much motivation to continue...I am the product of an instant satisfaction society it would appear!

Over the past couple of months, doubts have appeared and fears have returned.  Generally I managed to dismiss them fairly easily and continue in my ventures.

That was up until this week.

This week I've been in a dark place. I have been consumed by all sorts of negative thoughts. What is the point of any of this? I will never have a successful business! I don't have time to sew. I'll never sell anything. My blog is pointless! Who reads it anyway? I can't think of anything to write. It's just too hard.

It felt like there was a dark pressure pressing down on me, making it difficult to breathe, leaving me in a state of paralysis where everything just seemed too hard. I wanted to give up. I really did. I didn't know how to get out of this funk.

Until this morning.

This morning I drew a picture of what I was feeling. It is something I learnt to do a few years ago during some counselling sessions. I find it highly effective. Trust me, I'm not artist, but there's something about trying to draw what you're feeling that brings clarity and release. My picture this morning simply contained lots and lots of arrows all pointing downwards - that pressure I described before.

As I drew I was reminded of the quote about the box. In starting my blog and business I had poked the top off my box. I had chosen to confront fear, to expand my world and to leave some of my comfort behind.

As I drew, the thought struck me, what if, in seeing this pressure, I wasn't seeing the whole picture?

So I added to my picture.

The arrows were no longer just pointing down, they were pressing down on the lid of the box, the lid of the box I was in the process of trying to get out of.

As soon as I drew that picture, the pressure disappeared. It was instant. I suddenly understood what was happening. Something was trying to stop me getting out of that box. Something was trying to force me back inside, to limit my world, to make me stay in the comfort of what I already knew. (I'm not here to debate what that 'something' was. As a Christian I have my own thoughts on it but today's blog is not the place to debate these ideas).

The realisation of what was actually happening brought freedom. It also brought energy. I would not stay in this box.

How would you handle being stuck in a box?
http://ask-annatier.deviantart.com/art/Question-Stuck-in-a-Box-417577184

I drew another picture and in this one, I stood next to an open box, the lid was gone, the walls were flattened. I was free. What did this look like in reality? Simply, to keep blogging, to keep sewing, to not give up. Personally I do not have the energy to do this on my own. I'll be very honest here and say that the first thing I did upon this realisation was pray and I will continue to do so along the journey. The next thing I did (when my daughter had her nap that is) was to start writing this blog!

Which brings me to the end of this post, wow I made it! It's very different to anything I've written before. It is a lot more personal but I'm sharing it because I believe we all have boxes that we are stuck inside. Perhaps we realise it, perhaps we don't, but our lives are too short to be stuck in boxes. You have too much to offer yourself and those around you to stay stuck in your box. My challenge to you, as the quote says,  is to choose one "I can't..." and change it into an "I can...". It doesn't need to be anything big. I definitely do not want to add yet another thing into an already busy life. But perhaps there is something niggling away at you, something that comes to mind as you read this, something you've been wanting to do for a long time. So go ahead, I dare you, poke the top off your own box and see what happens!

So you want to learn a new language, why not have a baby?

Yesterday I found myself driving the North Shore motorways of Auckland, not an unusual activity really. In the backseat (in her big girl chair!) I had my baby and there was one purpose to this drive - her need to sleep. Once again, this is not too unusual, plenty of parents resort to destinationless (yes I think I made up a word) trips all in the aid of baby sleep. The unusual thing, however, was that I was actually 'at a baby shower' at the time. I had been at the baby shower, my little one needed a sleep and so to remain at the baby shower, I first needed to leave, drive around until she'd had a nap, and then return to the baby shower. So this is exactly what I did and thankfully it was successful. (For those who are wondering why I didn't just put her down there, well yes I could have attempted this but to be honest, the drive was the less painful option for us all, except the wallet of course but there is no price on sleep!)

On another topic, this morning, while perusing Facebook, I saw some wedding photos. I love wedding photos! Whether I know the people in them or not is generally irrelevant but on this occasion, I did actually know these people so it was even better. The photo I loved most was one in which the groom gazed adoringly at his new wife, completely love struck. It made me smile. It made me think back to our own wedding, to the excited young couple we were, starting out on this new journey of marriage. I'm pretty sure we have a similar photo. How long ago it all seems now, even though it was just under 4 years ago. This weekend I actually came across a photo of hubby and I taken just before our wedding and showed it to him. "We look so young," was his comment, and we did.

How we have changed! How life has changed!

Gone are the days when attending any event was only a matter of remembering the date and time; when meeting up with friends for a coffee was a relaxing activity; when going to the beach meant being able to lie for hours reading, swimming and sleeping; when leaving the house only required a handbag; when a good night's sleep was a realistic possibility; when clothes shopping could include hours of trying on different clothes in search of the best deal.

Yip, gone are those days...and I didn't even say goodbye! How I took them for granted...

Now our attendance at any event is arranged around nap times; a coffee date leaves me exhausted as bubs is not of the opinion that hanging out with adults in a cafe is a fun activity; a trip to the beach includes a quick swim and then home again (or if we dare go for longer, includes me pushing the pram up and down the beach to get bubs to sleep); leaving the house for any length of time requires a huge amount of baby stuff; more than 4 hours sleep in a row is amazing; clothes shopping is a rare occurrence that might, if I'm lucky, include trying on clothes but only until the baby playing on the floor begins to whimper and that quickly signals the end of the trip, regardless of how many clothes remain untouched.

Conversations have changed too, particularly with people who don't have children. I find it difficult these days when people ask me what I have been up to since I last saw them. Before bubs I would have something to say about work, outings or things hubby and I had been up to. Now...well my days are taken up with feeding, nappy changes, baby entertaining, baby naps, coffee group or attending some sort of baby event. If a fellow mother asks me what I've been up to, I might tell her. If it's anyone else, well I am pretty certain that they are not interested in the mundane details, even though these are what now make up my life, so I simply find myself responding, "not much."

Another question I now struggle with, similar to the last but not quite the same, is 'how are things going?'

If I were to answer honestly about the past week, it might sound something like this: Well my week has been tough. My daughter disappeared. Not physically thank goodness, but the happy, chilled out baby that I take for granted was replaced by a tired, grizzly, moody, clingy, unpredictable baby and it left me exhausted. Suddenly I went from having to get up once a night to feed to now getting up once a night and then somewhere between 5-5.30am again. I've been tired and she's been tired. We barely made it through swimming lessons which she normally absolutely loves. To be honest, we didn't make it through, we got out of the pool early because she started losing it. I even called Health Line and took her to the doctor on Friday because I was so concerned. I imagined the worst, especially when she started touching her head (did she have internal bleeding???). Of course it turned out to be nothing, well nothing physically wrong with her anyway. I'm pretty sure it's all due to developmental things. On a positive note, she furthered her rolling ability and can now roll both ways (although this now poses challenges for sleep!) and I have discovered she loves carrots.

Once again, unless talking to another parent, this is a question where I doubt people really want to know the real answer so I simply respond that things are fine. That's okay. I don't hold it again anyone without children. After all I was there not too long ago. Things change, that's all.

While some conversations have become difficult, others have become easy. I have basically learnt a whole new language...the language of babies. I am so grateful for all the parents around me, especially my coffee group. As a mum, you need to talk about baby stuff, well I do anyway. I need to know if what my baby is doing is 'normal'. I need to talk about how she is sleeping, or not sleeping at night. I need to find out what food people are feeding their babies. I need to know that despite being told that my baby should be sleeping through by 6 months, in fact, most of the babies in my coffee group are also not sleeping through. As someone said the other day, it makes such a difference when you know that you're not the only one. Just as teachers talk school when they get together, parents talk babies. Of course this doesn't mean it is the only topic of conversation, and the best times I have are when I escape baby talk for a while, but baby talk is an an important part of this new life.

The thing is, yes I have changed and yes life has changed...a lot...and it continues to change everyday as my baby changes and I find myself trying to keep up with all her changes. Yet despite all this change, I am still the person I was before I had a baby. Well I'm the same, but different.  Now I'm responsible for someone else, a little human being, and that means that everything else gets reprioritized.

It doesn't mean that my friend's aren't important.
It doesn't mean that all I want to talk about is babies.
It doesn't mean that I have lost a whole chunk of my personality.

It just means I am still me, but part of me is a currently buried under the rubble that comes with learning this whole parental gig thing.
It means I still want to catch up for coffee but I will have to work it around nap times and cafes that have space for a pram because my little girl will not be held for long.
It means that I still want to catch up with friends but I can't do dinner...not until she's weaned off breastfeeding.
It means that when you ask me how I am, I probably won't go into details unless you are a mother, simply to spare you details that you won't find particularly interesting or be able to relate to.

Like I said, I'm still me, but different. I'm so grateful to my friends without children who have made the effort to keep in contact during the past few months because honestly, if they hadn't made that effort, I'm unlikely to have seen them, not because I didn't want, just because it's how life is at the moment.

So yes life has changed. Not that I resent the changes. I might not completely welcome them with open arms but really, when I stop and think about it all, the sacrifices are worth it and I'm incredibly grateful that I have a happy, healthy baby (or hopefully will once these developmental changes have passed). Life will continue to change, I will continue to change, my baby will continue to change.

That's a whole lot of change!

Sometimes it's good to just stop and appreciate the changes...

What about you, what big changes have you had in the past year or so? Or any big changes you're looking forward to in the next year?

Taking Stock - end of Summer

My mornings have started far too early for my liking over the past week, with bubs deciding that 6am is much too late to start the day and therefore choosing to rise before 5.30am. Each morning, her waking cry has had me dragging myself out of bed, donning my fluffy white dressing gown and stumbling bleary eyed through the dark to her room. Being up this early I can't help but notice the curtain of darkness, the chilly air and the condensation covered lawns. It seems summer has drawn to a close and autumn has snuck up on us. 

With the weeks, months and now seasons speeding by, it seems like an excellent time to stop and do a little bit of reflecting. Taking Stock is an idea I came across in another mummy blog Teacher by trade - Mother by nature and as I quite like the idea, I've decided to adopt it. I have slightly modified the list and decided to do it on a seasonal basis (as opposed to monthly which a number of bloggers do). 

So here goes, the first edition of Taking Stock. 

Sewing: the first of my super cute elephants for the BubbyBudz range which will soon be available on Mubs 
Baking: a vast amount of delicious ginger kisses. Not for myself, but for Mainly Music, (although let's be honest, I made sure there were some left over for us!)
Reading: The White Shadow by Andrea Eames. I'm not sure it can qualify as reading as it seems to have taken forever to read this book, not because I'm not enjoying it, just because reading is difficult to get to at the moment. Gone are the days I zoomed through books. 
Wanting: to find a sustainable income that allows me to be at home with bubs as much as possible but also relieves financial pressure...hubby suggested a lotto ticket...if only!
Looking: forward to catching up with old school friends next week. They're the kind of friends that can bring you down to earth in a second with your most embarrassing high school moments; the kind with far too much high ammunition information that require restricting on what can and can't be shared with others. It should be a good catch up :)
Deciding: on what to get several people for presents...I've got a few different upcoming occasions, birthdays and baby showers mainly. Always a tricky task...and I'm the kind of person who needs to ensure I have the best deal so it takes a lot of research!
Wishing: that I had enough money to fund some travel! On my wish list: a trip to South Africa to introduce my husband (and now my daughter too) to my home land and the family there; a trip to Europe, particularly Germany, to visit friends who will be relocating there in a few months; a camper van and the funds to tour New Zealand and finally, a trip back to Samoa, our home for just over a year.
Enjoying: making the most of the final summer days and amazingly warm sea water. Hopefully there will still be plenty of swimming to be had before it gets too cold. 
Waiting: for the end of Lent so that I can once again enjoy the creamy, smooth taste of Whittaker's milk chocolate, or just any chocolate! 
Liking: my new facebook page, check it out if you haven't already. 
Wondering: which team is going to win the Cricket World Cup???
Loving: the hours that hubby works and the fact he gets to spend time with bubs in the afternoon.
Buying: lots of fruit and veg to make into baby food as we're a couple of weeks into solids now. 
Watching: a James Bond movie, I have no idea which one it is but I heard the first dance song from our wedding, "All the time in the World" playing in it. 
Hoping: to visit school and my former colleagues sometime in the next few weeks. 
Marvelling: at the fact that I have an almost 6 month old. How is this possible? I need time to just stop, it's slipping through my fingers and she's growing up way too fast. 
Cringing: at the amount of work that needs to be done in the garden. We have meter high weeds, and not just in one place! One good thing about winter and the lack of sun is that this out of control growth slows way down. Maybe I should just wait until winter to tackle everything...
Needing: a full nights sleep!
Questioning: what to make for next week's baking extravaganza? 
Thinking: about all the things I need to get done this week. I'm a list person. I think I need to make a list for the week as otherwise it just feels like all the tasks are far too overwhelming (plus since bubs arrived my previously pretty amazing memory has disintegrated). 
Admiring: the peaceful sounds surrounding me - cicadas chirping, birds tweeting, leaves rustling - love our location!
Sorting: out the mess in the house constantly. There are forever baby items everywhere, cushions strewn around and various other items covering all the surfaces in the lounge. 
Praying: for many, many things...my business to do well, a job that works well with bubs, good friendships with other mums, lots of blessings for my husband (because he's amazing) and on a more world wide scale, the end of Isis (yes I know it's very simplistic given a complicated situation).  
Disliking: the fact that I probably need to visit the doctors to get a few moles checked out. Then there's the dentist too...
Feeling: so many emotions! Tired, stressed, full of adrenaline, creative, optimistic, hopeful. It all depends on what I think about really :)

So there we go, a little bit of reflection for the end of summer. It'll be interesting to compare come the end of of Autumn, but in saying that, I have no desire at all for that time to arrive too quickly. 

Your turn now, choose one or two (or as many as you want) words from the list and share your own Taking Stock with me, either in the comments below or on my facebook page.